Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 3



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Need catching up? Check out Act 1, Part 1 here and Act 1, Part 2 here. Enjoy!


With misguided confidence and a self-satisfied grin on his face, Legno approached the first girl he laid eyes on: Gloria Pane, a local bread maker’s daughter, one year above him in school.

“Older woman,” Legno said to himself. “Jackpot.”

Legno, moving with a fluidity of an eel in treacherous waters, sidled up next to Gloria. Leaning in next to her, he stated in an awkward aloofness, “I could’ve sworn we were in Palermo, but it certainly looks like Cougar Town from where I’m standing.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Legno. What do you want?”

“Just to talk. I thought we could get to know each other. How’s your day so far?”

“It was fine,” Gloria said in an exasperated tone, “until some asshole tried hitting on me on my way home.”

Legno stood there, softly biting his bottom lip and nodding to himself. After a moment or two, he replied, “Okay, well we’re going to try this again. This time around, you’ll be playing the part of ‘Not a bitch.’ Sound good?”

Legno had always wondered what it was like to get slapped in the face.

Okay, moving on, Legno thought as he rubbed his cheek.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Diana Bontempo walking in to a nearby candy store. Wasting no time, he quickly followed her in, caring nothing for subtlety or tact.

As Diana picked a box of peppermint fudge off a shelf, Legno walked up, staring at her. She tried her hardest to ignore him.

“Good time,” Legno said, grinning like a goon.

“What?” Diana asked.

“Good time,” Legno repeated, still with that satisfied smile on his face.

Gloria turned her attention back to the chocolate, trying once again to ignore him.

“Bontempo. Bon means good and tempo time. Bontempo. Good time.”

“What’s your point?”

“Just wanted to see if you lived up to the name.”

Legno never wondered what it was like to get kicked in the testicles.

As he limped out of the candy store, he muttered “This day is horseshit” to himself. “All these girls think who the hell they—”

Suddenly, a thunderous roar of applause stopped Legno in his tracks. He couldn’t tell what exactly, but something was occurring at the other end of the street. A mass of people of all ages had gathered and were rambunctiously clapping and cheering. For what, he wasn’t quite sure.

Downcast and dejected, Legno half-heartedly made his way towards the crowd, hoping whatever it was would take some of the bite out of the awful morning he’d been having. As he drew closer, a sound pierced through the noise of the crowd. It was singing.

Oh, she loves to sing and she loves to dance/Buy her a drink and you can spank her ass!

A roar of laughter erupted from the crowd.

Flash her a smile and shoot her a wink/And then good sir, you’ll be seeing some pink!

The laughter continued, even louder this time.

If you need a snack then she’ll cook you eggs/And if none are left then she’ll spread her legs!


robaxin and orgasm TO BE CONTINUED


Your Domain Name That’s all for today! Come back next week (or so) to find out who exactly this girl is that these men are singing about, and more importantly, find out what Legno thinks of her. See you then (let’s hope) for Act 1, Part 4!







Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 2



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For those of you who may have missed the first installment, you can either scroll down for three seconds or click here. Enjoy!

“Where are you off to?” Saggezza asked, half-heartedly as Legno began heading out the door.

“Going in to town!” Legno responded in a loud, annoyingly peppy manner.

“For…?”

“Listen, Saggies…”

“Don’t ca—”

“…I’ve been thinking how it’s time for me to finally get out there. Be a man. Sow my wild oats.”

“You’re 11.”

“Yeah, and it’s also the 19th century. Isn’t the average lifespan, like, 14?”

Rubbing his temples and letting out a long sigh, Saggezza muttered, “If you’re going in to town, buy me a bottle of Campari.”

“Artichoke liquor? Yeah, I guess life in the Sicilian ghettos wasn’t bad enough.”

“You’re awfully precocious for a blockhead.”

Legno paused momentarily, not exactly certain of the words Saggezza used.

“Buh?”

“Never mind, Legno,” Saggezza said, sighing once more. “Hav…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Legno, with a pep in his step, grabbed his shoes and was out the door in a flash.

Saggezza, silently to himself, finished, “Have fun, son.”

Legno made his way out of the house in the outskirts of Palermo and in to the bustling metropolis itself. As he strutted down the cobblestone streets, he couldn’t help but catch his reflection in a store window and admire what he saw: Legno clocked in at a solid one and a quarter meters and thirty kilograms; his hair, curly and unkempt, was slowly being turned into an afro by the strong winds; his acne telling the tale that puberty was here, and that he was no longer a boy. Nay, he was less of a boy and more of a god.

Oh, yes. He was looking good.


TO BE CONTINUED


Thoughts? Like it more than the first part? Less? Comments are more than welcome. The next part will be up soon!







First Request

First Request

Kristen the Riveter

Technically, this is the second request I’ve gotten, but the first request of “erotica” (you know who you are) seemed a little too risqué so early on. So in my attempt to teach myself basic Photoshop, I started with:

Oh, the places that fist has been…the things it’s seen.

Mixed gently with this:


And this was birthed:

Please don’t click on this image; the quality is much worse zoomed in.

Okay, the speech balloon doesn’t exactly match up, but I was very hungover (mom, hope you’re not reading this). Granted, it’s not the most spectacular piece of Phostoshopping you’ll ever see, but I have a bit of pride in it all the same.

So if anyone else has a some images that they’d like to see me crudely mash together, keeping in mind that it’ll look worse than that married couple’s first kiss on The Virgin Diaries, let me know here.






Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 1



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Legno Ragazzo is an idiot.

Okay, that’s not fair. Legno was seriously lacking in common sense, forethought, and overall good judgment, but the idiot had his reasons. The skinny 11-year old had been orphaned at a young age by a woman who sniffed too much glue when he was still in the womb. As such, his capacity to learn was, to put it lightly, diminished. Stefano Saggezza, his foster parent, had done his best to educate him. As a local schoolteacher, Saggezza was no stranger to nurturing young minds, but unfortunately, nothing seemed to stick in Legno’s. Ironic since Legno’s mind was riddled with glue.

Six years had passed since he adopted the young Legno. Saggezza, no stranger to the drink, woke up on the kitchen floor one hot morning in early June after a particularly intense bender. As he ran his fingers through his white, wispy hair, he couldn’t help but notice an etching of himself with the boy on the kitchen wall. Looking at it, the old man reflected on the day he adopted Legno. Not having anyone in his life, he sought to fill the void by adopting a child. Hoping for a child whom he could mold into an intellectual, he chose the boy chewing on his own toenails in the corner, admiring the boy’s ingenuity. That day, he took Legno home with him.

Things hadn’t quite turned out as Saggezza had hoped.

Through the years, Legno seemed to grow dumber and dumber, a fact which never ceased to baffle Saggezza. And although he cared for the boy, Saggezza’s apathy over attempting to raise him was unquestionable.

Legno barreled down the stairs; the racket pierced through the hung-over Saggezza. He flew through the small living area giving no regard to the old man. Entering the kitchen, he threw open the curtains to let some light in.

Saggezza groaned, “Damnit, Legno.”

Ignoring his complaints, Legno poured himself some juice and chugged it as fast as he could. He was in a rush, you see. He had big plans today. Big plans, indeed.


TO BE CONTINUED


Act 1, Part 2 coming soon.

Let me know what you think!







Introduction

Introduction

Hello, friends.

So in an attempt to teach myself a bunch of new skills (think Bill Murray in Groundhog Day) such as HTML, Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, piano, etc., I wanted to make a blog to chronicle it. Will it be interesting? Eh. But I’d like to hear from you. Something you want to see Photoshopped? A video you want me to tinker with? How about a short story suggestion (yes, I’ll be writing, too). Suggestions are more than welcome. Let me know: Send Mail