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Wood You Be Mine? Act 2 Finale




Everyone have a happy holiday? Fantastic. Ready for it to get even better? I know what you’re saying: “Stephen, master of the written word and, you’ve achieved so much in your short time as a renowned Internet blogger. How could you possibly top your earlier entries?” And that’s a 100% valid question, so you’ll just have to read this latest double-sized entry, the thrilling, pulse pounding, heart stopping (I think those last two contradicted each other) conclusion to Act 2 of do you need a prescription to buy viagra online Hold on; it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

“Kind of. Sometimes when I’m feeling gassy, I like to take a match and…”

Deciding to stop Legno mid-sentence, Timothy replied with, “Never mind. I knew it was a stupid question before I asked it.”

“Yeah,” Legno said in agreement, “you only have yourself to blame for that one.”

“Regardless, the point I was getting to is that, if magic can’t help us, then perhaps science can. It’s been said that all magic is is science we don’t yet understand. Go to that bookshelf over there and look for a book entitled Scientists of the World – A History. During my time here, I educated myself the best I could. Luckily, Esther had scores of books on a wealth of topics, science being one of them.”

Doing as Timothy said, Legno walked to the bookshelf. He ran his fingers over the spines of the books, feeling their hard, leathery exteriors.

“Stop, there!” Timothy said, with Legno’s hand coming to an immediate halt. Placing his bony pointer and middle on the top of the book, he pulled it down and in to his palms.

“Heavy,” he said. “How is this supposed to help us?”

“Well, let’s start by opening it up. Look in the table of contents to see what page a ‘Stanislao Cannizzaro’ is on.”

Legno flipped open the cover, and immediately the book’s stale smell filled his nostrils. His face winced and eyes watered a bit as he breathed in the stench between the pages.

“Christ,” he managed to cough out, “doesn’t she ever actually, I don’t know, read these things?”

“I think the only time she ever gave them much mind was when I’d ask her to get them for me. And that’s why I think this book may be exactly what we need,” Timothy retorted as a smirk grew upon the left side of his mouth, the thoughts of success exciting him.

“Umm…” Legno began as he ran his forefinger down the index, “Stanislao, Stanislao…ah, here we go!” He then moved his finger across the page, careful to follow the dotted line exactly to its end point.

“Page 42,” Timothy replied, looking at where Legno’s finger stopped, “that should have exactly what we need.”

With the delicacy of a drunk fumbling for his keys, Legno threw the book open, landing on page 187. He then began to feverishly flip backwards through the pages, a *fwipping* noise filling the air as he did so, and a glimmer of hope once again filling his eyes.

187…186…185…184…

“You know,” Timothy said, “you can just…”

“No time!” Legno yelled.

162…161…160…159…

“I mean, we are on a bit of a timeline, so if you could…”

“Can’t stop! Won’t stop! Eye of the tiger!”

143…142…141…140…

“Oh, for the love of…” Timothy sighed, “stop for a second, would you?”

Hopping off Legno’s shoulder and on to his hand, Timothy made his way towards the book, reached out his right hand, and began rifling the pages starting at the beginning, keeping eye on the numbers in the top left corner.

“Ah, he we are,” Timothy proclaimed. “See where my hand is? Open to that page.”

Legno began moving his fingers carefully down the ridges of the dry, unevenly bound pages until he reached the correct one. Flipping it open, he saw the following:

buy viagra online cheap canada

“I have no clue what the hell it was I just read,” remarked a baffled Legno. “How is a Candid Zorro supposed to help me?”

“Cannizzaro,” corrected Timothy, “and it’d be proper to refer to him as ‘professor’ when we meet him.”

“This is the guy you think can help us?”

“That he is. The good professor has made his career on being able to change one organic compound in to another. Who’s to say he wouldn’t be able to change flesh to wood? Granted, it’s a long shot, but it’s the best shot we have.”

“Well, I trust you,” Legno said, although half heartedly, “so where to? It’s not like we can just go knocking on doors until we find him.”

“The book’s a few years old, but if it’s still accurate, then we should be able to find him at the local University in the heart of town.”

“Blah, I’m not looking forward to this walk back,” Legno muttered, “how about this time, you carry me?”

Had any other person made that comment, Timothy would’ve thought they were joking.

Now with the sun at its highest point in the sky, the trek back to the city wasn’t an easy one. Hot sweat poured down Legno’s brow; every inch of his body had a wet stickiness to it; the armpits of his shirt turned that greenish brown color that men know all too well.

Finally back in town, Timothy instructed Legno to walk in to the heart of the city. “That’s where the University is,” he claimed. “One of the biggest buildings in town; you can’t miss it.”

Compared to the walk through the forest and back, traversing to the University felt like no time at all. Within mere minutes, the pair of travelers were already pushing open the big wooden doors and entering the impressive main hallway of the school. The intricately designed gray marble floors ranked amongst the impressive things he had ever seen: The walls were so white that it almost hurt his eyes, and the entire hall had that worldly scent of old literature.

The two wandered the halls until they stumbled upon an elderly lady who appeared to work there. “Excuse me, ma’am?” asked Legno, “I was hoping to find a ‘Stanislao Cann…zinarro’?”

“Professor Cannizzaro?”

“Yes! Yes, him! Does he still work here?”

“Mmhm,” was her response. She then extended out her left hand, pointed a bony finger, and finished with, “if you follow this hallway all the way to the end and make a left, his will be the third office on the right.”

“Thanks!” he said, turned and took two steps before turning back towards the old woman.

“Is there something else I can hel…” she began before Legno came up, opened his nostrils wide, and breathed in, with the melody of air whipping against the stuffy congestion filling the entire hallway.

The woman stood there, nonplussed as Legno merely said “Thanks again!” and galloped down the hallway.

Turning to Timothy, he said, “I said it before and I’ll say it again: They really do have the most interesting scents!”

It was the second time that day Timothy had to keep his contents of his stomach from decorating Legno’s left shoulder.

Legno banked down the corner of the hallway, nearly overshooting the third door on the right. “Stop, right here!” Timothy exclaimed. “Third office on the right!”

Coming to a screeching halt, Legno needed to catch himself on the wall to avoid having the momentum knock him down. After taking a second to catch his breath, Legno gently knocked on the office door as he pushed it open ever so slightly.

“Excuse me, Professor Cannizzaro?”

The middle-aged man, who up until now was preoccupied with examining a slide with a sampling of ammonia under his microscope, looked up upon Legno, failing to notice Timothy. Despite only being in his mid-30s, the professor was already extremely accomplished, and he sported a neck beard that all professors are expected to grow at some point in their careers.

Although not pleased by Legno’s barging in unannounced, he wasn’t particularly angered by it, either. A straightforward man, he simply asked, “May I help you?”

“Hi, my name’s Legno. And this,” he said pointing to his shoulder, “is my talking bug friend, Timothy.”

“Charmed.”

“I, um…” he paused, not quite knowing how to react to Timothy’s presence, and finally deciding to finish with, “Okay, fine, why not? How can I help the two of you?”

“Well, Professor, Legno here has a…unique request,” Timothy answered.

“Oh? And what might that be?”

“He’s been quite taken with this *ahem* wooden doll.”

“She’s everything a woman should be and more,” Legno replied, his hands folded and pressing against his chest, his lovelorn eyes staring off in to the distance.

With a confused look on his face, Cannizzaro responded with “I…see. And where do I come in?”

“We’ve read up on your work,” Timothy stated, “The changing of one organic compound to another, and we were hoping that there might be a way to do the same for Legno here.”

“You want me to turn this doll in to a real girl?”

“Ha!” Legno laughed, “That’s retarded. No, I want you to make me a wooden boy.”

Cannizzaro glanced at Timothy quizzically. Timothy’s only response was a shrug of his shoulders and a shake of his head that seemed to imply ‘I know. Trust me, I know.’

Breaking the momentary silence, Cannizzaro answered, “Any other day, I would’ve called you absolutely insane for even suggesting that, but standing before me right now is a walking, talking…Recticulitermes lucifugus, correct?”

“You are quite right, sir!”

“So it certainly appears that the line between ‘possible’ and ‘impossible’ is blurrier than I had previous thought. That said, even if there were a way to do that, it’d take years of research and experimentation, and that’s time I just don’t have. I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” muttered a disenfranchised Legno, “Marion’s leaving tonight, and now it’ll take a miracle to become a wooden boy by then.”

“Well…”

“Well? Well what?”

“I don’t want to get your hopes up, and I can’t at all guarantee anything, but a hobby of mine is astronomy, and the skies tell me that there’s a meteor shower coming tonight around dusk. It should be dark enough for you to see it clearly.”

“How does that help us?” Timothy responded, asking for the both of them.

“If you believe the old folklore, those with the purest souls will get their heart’s desire when they wish upon a star.”

“Wishing upon a star…that has to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” Legno retorted, his response being more than a little skeptical.

Looking up and to the left, Cannizzaro whispered to himself, “Said the boy who wants to become a wooden doll…”

“Pardon his manners, Professor,” Timothy interjected, trying to save face, “but besides that, could we trouble you for any other possible solutions?”

Cannizzaro breathed in slowly, shook his head, and then answered with “An act of God.”

“Ugh. Timothy, let’s go. Professor…” Legno began, and he now had a sheepish expression on his face, “sorry for my attitude, I didn’t mean to be rude. I’m just frustrated is all.”

“No need to apologize. We’ve all been love-struck at one point in our lives or another. And good luck. Remember: Meteor shower tonight. Go to the top of Deus Ex Collina, the hill at the edge of town; it’s one of the highest points in the area. You’d have a great vantage point.”

“Yeah, yeah…maybe.”

“Look at it this way: If it works, you get what you want; if it doesn’t, then at least you get to see a spectacular show.”

Legno let out of weak smile and nodded in appreciation as he left.

“Thank you again, Professor,” Timothy responded. “Best of luck with your research.”

“And best of luck to the two of you.”

Pushing open the door, Legno and Timothy left the way they came in. Waiting a moment for the door to close completely, Cannizzaro then turned back to his microscope and muttered to himself, “If you ask me, that boy’s already made of wood.”

He then paused for a second and took his eyes away from his microscope once again and said pensively, “Hm, Recticulitermes lucifugus.” He then leaned back in to the eyepiece of his microscope and began carefully adjusting the lenses before finishing his thought aloud. “I wonder how that boy was able to come upon such refined, intelligent termite.”


END OF ACT 2


And with that, Act 2 comes to a close, and Timothy’s treachery is revealed. Poor, poor Legno. Dramatic irony will fuck you every time. Did you see the twist coming? Let me know on buy viagra online canadian or buy viagra online canada paypal! Next week begins with the premiere of Act 3 as do you need a prescription to buy viagra online winds down to its epic finale. See you then!







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Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 3




I’d like to start this one off on a slightly more serious note. As the holidays are approaching, we should all look to give back a bit. For those of you who may have some extra money, think about donating a couple dollars to those less fortunate. One of my favorites is Toys for Tots, but there are a ton out there to choose from. ’Tis the season, loyal readers. Make someone out there smile.

Alright, now that the sappiness is out of the way, last we left off, Legno, with Timothy as his guide, was off to see the witch of the Sicilian forests (no, not you, Aunt Adela). Can she do for Legno what she did for Timothy? Let’s find out in Act 2, Part 3 of do you need a prescription to buy viagra online


“Truth be told, I don’t know why she didn’t. Boredom, perhaps? Or maybe just loneliness.”

“You never asked?” said a baffled Legno.

“This is going to sound silly,” Timothy began, “but I suppose I was afraid of knowing the truth. Like if I were to look at it too closely, I might see the cracks beneath the surface of the whole thing. Like knowing the truth would be the pinch that woke me up from the dream.”

“Is that why you didn’t stick around?”

“I did for a while; I owed the old girl that much. So I spent time with her, conversed with her, helped her prepare her meals, and the like. As I said earlier, I believe she just felt like having some companionship.”

“Sounds kind of nice, I suppose.”

“It was for a time. She taught me everything I know. But after a while, I knew that I needed to move on.”

At this point, Legno’s investment in Timothy’s story began to wane. If girls or odd bodily functions weren’t involved, he usually couldn’t care less. Changing the subject to something of more interest, Legno asked, “Could you tell me more about you wife?”

“Oh, certainly. She was someone I had known for some time, but I never had the confidence to tell her how I felt. After I became what I am now, I realized it was finally my time. We fell in love and are now happily married with seven million children.”

“Good Lord, seven million? Your stamina must be out of control. And I can’t even begin to imagine what she looks like down there after popping out all those kids.”

“I think we should change the…”

“I once saw a picture of a guy who lost a big chunk of his torso after a bear bit in to it. If I had to take a guess…”

“So how about your foster father?” Timothy yelled, doing everything he could to speak over Legno. “You haven’t yet spoken of him.”

“Um, I think he’s doing all right down there?”

After a heavy sigh, Timothy rephrased, “I meant, in general, how is he? What does he do?”

“Well, Saggies, as he prefers me to call him, is a teacher. But I don’t think he really likes it or anything. He seems depressed all the time. And he drinks a lot.”

“Oh, that’s…that’s very disheartening. Do you have any idea why?”

“Um…not really. I mean, I’m a ray of sunshine, so it’s not my fault. The only thing I can think of is that I sometimes hear him say the name ‘Maggie’ in his sleep followed by a whimper.”

“Ex-girlfriend I take it?”

“Beats me. I kind of always assumed it was some sort of liquor they don’t make anymore. Or like a pet turtle that he used to have.”

“So those are your best guesses: Discontinued alcohol or turtle?”

“Well, when you say it like that, it just makes me sound like an idiot.”

Timothy bit his tongue and decided it’d be proper to just let that comment slide.

The next few minutes were filled with a comfortable silence; Timothy quietly soaked in the scenery, the forest’s musk filling his senses and reminding him of a time gone by, while Legno’s thoughts were brimming with the life he and Marion were sure to have. It was a life of joy, of passion, of tenderness, and of endless ‘knock on wood’ jokes.

And of late nights sensually applying varnish.

And of even later nights filled with sanding down each other’s edges. Those rough, rough edges.

Life as a wooden boy…oh, it was definitely going to be sweet.

“We’re here, son. Look! You can see her cabin just over that hill!” Timothy exclaimed, snapping Legno back to reality.

With a few shakes of his head, his eyes, which seconds ago were blankly staring at the ground, widened and appeared to fill his entire face as his destination finally came in to view.

“Hey, you’re right!” Legno cheered as he made a dash towards the cabin, too excited to merely walk the last few meters.

As he drew nearer, the mundanity of the cabin’s exterior became apparent. Although unimpressed, Legno attempted to remain positive.

“You’d think such a powerful witch would have a fancier place,” Legno commented as he ran his fingers over the cabin’s oaken façade, which, though unassuming, was still well constructed. “But it’s pretty cool to see such professional craftsmanship. I guess my wood will be safe in her hands, huh?”

“Oh, dear,” Timothy muttered to himself while massaging his forehead in an attempt to circumvent the impending migraine Legno was sure to give him. “Be a good lad and give the door a few raps. I don’t know if the old girl is home or not.”

Legno, making his way to the door, did as Timothy requested and gave the door a hearty knock with his fist.

*Thunk*

No answer.

“Try again,” said Timothy.

Legno once again raised his fist to knock on the door and brought it down with the force of a hammer; he desperately wanted the old witch to be there and was hoping her reticence was due to her not hearing him the first time. The sound of flesh and bone against the wooden door was even louder this time.

*THUNK*

*THUNK*

*THUNK*

Still no answer.

After letting out a heavy sigh of disappointment, Legno responded, “Of course. Of course she wouldn’t be home. Why would I expect to have any sort of luck with the way this day’s been going? Let’s head back. Maybe I can patch things up with Diana. ‘Diana, when I said your ass looked fat, what I meant was you have a great figure for popping out a whole mess of kids. Our kids.’ ”

Timothy snapped back, “Oh, stop complaining! A few bumps in the road and you’re ready to throw in the towel! It may not exactly be proper etiquette, but open the door and see if she’s in. It’s possible that she’s just asleep.”

“Let’s try,” Legno said quietly as he turned his hand and placed the bottom sides of his fingers underneath the hand-carved notch and gently opened it.

*Creeeeeeeeek* went the door as Legno slowly pushed it forward. As he leaned in, his head poked through and he uttered a simple, “Hello?”

For a third time, no answer.

“Walk inside,” Timothy replied. “Here or not, she wouldn’t mind my coming through unannounced.” He then turned his attention away from Legno and yelled, “Esther! Esther, dear, are you home? It’s Timothy, and I brought a friend who is quite intent on meeting you!”

“Look,” Legno said as he pointed to the table in the middle of the room. The cabin was fairly tiny, and it didn’t take the boy long to get a more than cursory examination of the place. “There’s a note on the table.”

“Well, it’s more than a bit rude to read someone’s personal letters, I’d say,” Timothy replied.

Walking towards the table, Legno countered with, “But it looks like it’s addressed to you.”

The note, which laid flat on the table, was filled with big, barely legible scribble, with

sprawled across the top.

“It appears you’re right, son. What does it say?”

“Yeesh,” went Legno as he squinted his eyes to try to make discernible the old woman’s scribble. He proceeded to read the note aloud:



“Germany?” Legno responded, confused. “Can we get there before tonight?”

“Legno,” Timothy sighed, “Germany is almost a thousand miles away with seas and mountains in between.”

“Okay, so, what’s she doing there? Why isn’t she here?” Legno asked, his tone almost turning in to a shout.

“Oh, she has the sweetest little place there. Children from all over…”

“So that’s it!” yelled a once again defeated Legno as he cut off Timothy, “This friend of yours decides to take a goddamned vacay and I’m shit out of luck!”

“Did I say that this was my only idea? Failing to plan is planning to fail, Legno.”

“So then what now?” Legno asked, as some placidity returned to his voice.

“Let me ask you, Legno, are you a student of chemistry?”


TO BE CONTINUED


Believe it or not, we’re just about at the halfway point of this tale. But without the witch Esther, what is poor Legno to do? What’s Timothy’s Plan B? Will there be any more thinly-veiled penis jokes? The answers to all these questions can be found next week for the conclusion of Act 2 of do you need a prescription to buy viagra online

And if you need a taste of what’s to come after that: Twists, turns, lost loves, new beginnings, but unfortunately, fewer nut shots (sorry, Alex). See you in a week!







Drawings From Kevin: Legno Ragazzo

Drawings From Kevin: Legno Ragazzo

Have you been wondering what Legno, the breakout star of Wood You Be Mine? looks like? Has it given you many sleepless nights? Have you consulted with friends, loved ones, and/or religious leaders? Well, your suffering is over! Thanks to friend/co-worker/roommate/sexually ambiguous Kevin Lafferty, a beautifully rendered portrait of Legno now exists. Feast your eyes:

So how’s he look? Better than you expected? Worse? You can be as critical as you want; Kevin has nothing even close to resembling feelings. And let me know on buy viagra online canadian or buy viagra online canada paypal what you’d like to see him draw next.








Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 2

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 2



Due to a deluge of requests (read: one), a Get E-Mail Updates button has been added to the right hand side of the blog*: —————->

*Arrow included in case you’re like me and get left and right mixed up sometimes.

So if you feel that you’re not getting enough updates via buy viagra online canadian and buy viagra online canada paypal, inflate my ego and subscribe now! You’ll be sent an e-mail every time there’s a new post.

Need catching up on last week’s entry? Click here! Now gather ’round, ye children. The adventures of Legno and Timothy are about to continue…


“We’re actually not that far,” Timothy replied, “start by heading north out of town and in to the woods. As luck would have it, it’s roughly three kilometers away. We can get there in no time!”

Needing to hear no more, Legno rapidly made his way through town and in to the heavily forested area, all the while having Timothy perched carefully upon his shoulder. Not one for the great outdoors, this was the first time Legno had traversed the region. It was the first time he heard the crunch of the dry grass beneath his feet, the first time he had been eclipsed by the lush green of the cherry bark oak trees, the first time the growling sounds of the animals filled his ears.

But as exciting as this all was to his senses, more exciting was the prospect of the new beginning that Timothy had promised. Unfortunately, despite his emotional enthusiasm, Legno’s diminutive frame wasn’t used to supporting this much physical exertion, and he was soon doubled over and wheezing.

*Huff* “Are…” *huff* “…you sure…” *huff* “…we’re going…” *huff* “…the right…” *huff* “…way?”

“Yes, yes. But take a minute to catch your breath. You’ll do neither of us any good by passing out in the woods,” Timothy answered.

“It’s just that we’ve been traveling for hours, and I feel like we haven’t gotten any closer,” Legno said, sounding more than a little discouraged.

“It’s been fourteen seconds, Legno,” Timothy responded. “Look,” he said, pointing with his cane, “you can still clearly see everyone in town.”

“That can’t be ri…” Legno began as he glanced over his shoulder, only to see the townspeople going about their day, their voices still audible:

“What do you mean you’re out of eggs!”

“I swear to GOD I’m not afraid to slap you in public!”

“The minstrels were hot, but they were way too old. I wonder if they have a younger brother…”

“And then he said he wanted to see if I ‘lived up to my name,’ the creep.”

“Huh, well, I’ll be dipped. Hey look, there Diana goes again!” Legno then cupped his hands and screamed, “Diana! Hey, Diana!”

“What!” she screamed back. “What is it you want this time, creep!”

“That dress makes your ass look fat!”

His legs now going faster than anyone thought humanly possible, Legno made his way through the woods with the blistering speed of an arrow shot by an expert marksman. His movements were precise, fluid, and flawless.

Now deep in the heart of the Sicilian woodlands, Diana was finally no longer in sight and no longer could the screams of “If you thought that hurt the first time, wait until I use my good leg!” be heard. Legno considered it safe for a momentary stop. And as soon as he did, a fuming Timothy shouted, “Why in Heaven’s name did you think that was a good idea!”

“As great as true love is,” Legno replied, his breathing once again heavy, “I needed a little more incentive to keep moving.”

Now confused, Timothy asked, “And that would be…?”

“Not wanting to get kicked in the testicles twice in the same morning,” he answered back with a smirk. “Now, can we sit for a spell? It feels like my lungs are on fire.”

“Yes, that’s probably for the best. But do remember, we’re on a tight schedule,” Timothy warned.

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Legno replied as he plopped down on the ground. The sound of his breathing had that loud, nasally, wheezing noise that mimicked the tone of an enraged howler monkey. Thankfully, after a few minutes, his breathing returned to normal, and his heart no longer felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest.

Placing his hands on the ground, he pushed himself up, wiped his now-running nose with a dirty finger as a loud *SNURF* sound radiated from his nostrils, rubbed his face, and cleaned the mess on his hands with the backside of his shorts.

Immediately trying to forget what he had just witnessed, a repulsed Timothy asked “Are we…*urp*.” Right away, Timothy balled his left hand in to a fist and covered his mouth.

After taking a second to make sure he stomach was settled, he began again, “Terribly sorry about that. Are we quite ready, then?”

“Yep, yep,” Legno responded, some of his pep returning to him, “let’s get a move on.”

With Legno back on his feet, the pair resumed their journey. The boy was getting more and more acclimated to the outdoors as he maneuvered his lithe, narrow frame over the rocks and through the trees. All the while, Timothy played director, instructing Legno on where to go at every twist and turn.

“We’re getting close!” Timothy exclaimed eagerly, “Just a few more minutes and we should be there. Take a right at this bend, and that will guide you the rest of the way. The old girl’s going to be delighted to meet you, I’m sure.”

“Cool, cool. I love old ladies. They always have the most interesting smells. How do you know this one exactly?”

“Oh, we’re old acquaintances. She’s the one who taught me everything I know and made me what I am.”

Legno’s face lit up as he turned to Timothy, “So the top hat…!”

“Enough with the hat, son. As I was saying, back when I was just another insect, acting entirely on instinct, something drew me to her cabin. It’s hard to say what; life before that day’s not quite clear. But what I do remember is that it was as if I had been living in a house where the curtains were always closed. And after she helped me, it was as if the curtains had finally been drawn and I was able to see the sun for the first time.”

“But why did she change you? I feel like most people would just step on you when your back is turned.”

“A lovely thought, thank you for that,” Timothy drolly responded.

“Just sayin’,” Legno remarked under his breath.


TO BE CONTINUED


Things are certainly heating up now, aren’t they? Looks like Legno’s finally getting a stroke of luck in Timothy, but can the little bugger actually deliver? And how exactly did he become the walking, talking insect we’ve all grown to love? Guess you’re going to have to keep reading to find out! In the meantime, keep yourself busy by commenting and sharing on buy viagra online canadian and buy viagra online canada paypal.






Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 1

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 1



Welcome everyone to the start of Act 2, and I hope you’re all caught up on Act 1! If you need a quick refresher, last we left off, Legno had just met Timothy, an enormous talking bug who promised to change his life. Will he follow through? Let’s find out in Act 2 of Wood You Be Mine?


Legno stared, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. He tried to respond, but all he could manage to muster was “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Understandably, this must be a lot for you to take in,” Timothy replied.

“Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?” Legno continued.

“It’s not everyday one sees a well-dressed, well-mannered, and above all else, well-spoken insect, is it?”

Silence for a second, followed by “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Okay,” Timothy said, slightly annoyed and beginning to turn away, “I guess I’ll find some other boy to woo that cute little lady that you have eyes for.”

“Wait!” Legno yelled, finally with actually words, “You’re not serious, are you?”

Turning back towards Legno, Timothy calmy stated, “No. I’m not. But I assumed that would snap you out of it.”

Although the initial shock had finally subsided, Legno still couldn’t believe his eyes: There in front of him was some sort of overgrown cockroach, roughly thirteen centimeters in height. Adorned with what appeared to be a blazer, walking stick, and a top hat, Legno got on his hands and knees for a closer look.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me,” Timothy remarked.

Legno’s gray eyes squinted as he examined the creature. After a few moments, he responded, “Where the hell do you find a top hat that small?”

“Really? You see a talking insect, and that’s your question? My attire?”

“It’s so well crafted. Is it a fashion thing, or do you just have a weird-shaped head?”

Having no interest in playing in to the boy’s stupidity, Timothy began, “I saw how those two men treated you. Not very helpful, were they?”

Legno’s eyes narrowed, and he turned his head, not wanting Timothy to see his expression of shame and embarrassment. “No. Not at all,” he replied.

“You’re just a young man looking for love, aren’t you?”

“Yes! Absolutely! And they refused to help!” he responded, his eyes widened and head snapping forward to face Timothy again.

“Ah, well that’s where I come in. Don’t you know why they refused?”

“Because the whole damn world’s out to get me,” he muttered pathetically as he turned his head to face the ground.

“Oh stop with that woe-is-me type attitude,” Timothy said with a sigh. “You’ll get nowhere in life thinking like that. Take a look at me for instance…”

“…and your hat…”

“Take a look at me for instance,” Timothy repeated, “I wasn’t born this way. I started out as just another common member of the Recticulitermes lucifugus.”

A baffled look danced across Legno’s face and he asked “You’re…rectal fungus?”

“Why don’t you just do us both a favor and keep quiet for a while? Now, as I was saying, I was just another common insect, but I always knew I deserved more. I had the potential to be more, and it was going unrealized.”

“So you ‘being more’ meant becoming an abnormally large bug with abnormally small clothes?”

“No, son. Me ‘being more’ meant a chance at a new start and a new beginning to make my life anything I wanted it to be. All I needed was that push in the right direction,” Timothy explained, “And I was able to amass everything one could want, including love.”

“You were able to find love?” Legno’s interest was now truly piqued. Timothy had said the magic word.

“Indeed I was,” Timothy replied. “And you can, too. And as I said earlier, I’m going to help.”

“How?”

“This girl, this…?”

“Marion.”

“This Marion. She’s not quite human, correct?”

“She’s, well…no. She’s a doll. But at the same time, she’s more human than the rest of us.”

Timothy nodded. Sure, what the boy had just said made absolutely no sense, but a mixture of youth and infatuation rarely made for the most sound of minds.

“So,” Legno began, “what do we do? How can you help me?”

“Oh, it quite simple, son,” Timothy replied.

“Simple how?”

“I’m going to help you become a wooden boy.”

Legno was taken aback. That idea, it was…it was…

“…the best idea I HAVE EVER HEARD!” Legno exclaimed.

“I thought you might like it,” Timothy said with a smile.

“And then the Geminis…es will have to take me along with them! A doll that can sing and dance all his own, they’d make a killing!”

“My thoughts exactly!” Timothy declared, sharing Legno’s enthusiasm for the idea.

“But why help me? I’m no one to you,” Legno asked in a rare moment of lucidity.

“When life is kind enough to grant you a chance at something better, the least you can do is to pay it forward. These Gemini Brothers, they’re like so many other people in the world: They look to put others down, suppress their potential, and keep them from obtaining what they want and what they deserve. And that includes you, son.

“A person can grow bitter and angry when they are denied their heart’s desire,” Timothy continued, “and I’d hate to see a boy with his whole life ahead of him become jaded towards the world at such a young age. The thought of it just breaks my heart.”

An image of Saggezza flashed in to Legno’s mind and a pang of empathy struck him. He was beginning to piece together why his surrogate father drank so much.

“That’s…that’s really nice,” Legno replied, noticeably touched by Timothy’s kindness. “But how do we go about that?”

“Simple. We see the witch who made me what I am.”

“We see which what?” a confused Legno asked.

“No,” Timothy responded, almost immediately.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” retorted Legno.

“I’m not doing shtick with you. We’re going to see a witch, as in a woman with magical powers,” Timothy countered, not interested in the back-and-forth that was sure to ensue.

“Fine,” Legno pouted as he began the rise back to his feet, “but it would’ve been a riot.”

At that moment, Timothy, with a few deliberate hops, began a scramble up the left side of Legno.

*Hop* First to his ankle.

“Yes…”

*Hop* Then to his knee.

“I’m sure…”

*Hop* Next to his forearm.

“It would’ve been…”

*Hop* And finally resting upon his shoulder.

“Utter hilarity,” Timothy finished, slightly out of breath, “but we have to be on our way if we want to get to my friend’s house. I imagine you’d like to get there sooner rather than later.”

“Fair enough,” Legno responded. “Just point me in the right direction.”


TO BE CONTINUED


And with that, the first part of Act 2 wraps up! How do you like it compared to Act 1? I’m more than a little interested in your thoughts, so let me know on buy viagra online canadian or buy viagra online canada paypal!

See you all in a week!







Wood You Be Mine? Act 1 Finale



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To everyone who’s followed along so far, I present to you the thrilling conclusion to Act 1 of Wood You Be Mine? I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. And don’t worry — we still have two acts left.

Last we left off, Legno was trying to convince the Brothers Gemini for a chance with Marion, a sexy, seductive (to Legno) marionette. Will they let him? Hint: No. Like I said, there are still two acts left up in this bitch.

And if you need catching up, check out Act 1, Part 4 here. Enjoy!


“Don’t encourage him,” Giovanni said, snapping at his brother. “Okay, listen…wait, what’s your name?”

“Legno Abigail Ragazzo.”

“Okay, Legno. Marion here is a doll…”

“Oh man, is she…”

“No, shut up, you said that already. Listen and let me finish. Marion is an actual doll. She’s made of wood. She has no flesh, no organs, and no brain.”

“Sounds like a match made in heaven if you ask me, Gio,” Giuseppe choked out, partially laughing at his own joke.

“You seem like a nice kid,” Giovanni continued, ignoring his brother’s comment, “a little dense, but not your fault. Frankly, I blame the schools. But that’s neither here nor there. My point is that you two can’t be together. Why don’t you try finding a nice living girl your own age?”

“But…” Legno began, before being cut off by Giovanni.

“We’re doing one more show here tonight at dusk,” he stated in a very matter-of-fact manner, “Same spot. If you want to, come by and we’ll let you say good-bye to ‘Marion’ before we head back north.”

“Yeah,” Giuseppe said, picking her up, “Maybe she’ll even let you give her a kiss good-bye.” Turning his head to the doll, he continued, “Won’t ya, love?”

Giuseppe, speaking in a high-pitched voice out of the side of his mouth, responded to his own question as if he were Marion, “Oh, that would be the cat’s pajamas!”

“Oh, you’re a filthy little slut, aren’t ya, love?” Giuseppe cackled, then immediately tossed Marion into her carrying case. “Gio, if you kindly, a little help disassembling the stage?”

“Wait, what are you…!” Legno cried.

“We still have a lot work to do before we can pack it in for the morning,” Giovanni responded, exhausted from the conversation. “I’d let you stay, but to be honest, you’re kind of a weirdo, and I’m a little afraid you’re going to fondle the doll.”

“I’d be gentle.”

“I’m sure you would be. Listen: Tonight. Dusk. Come early so you get a good view of the show. But for now, seriously, get out of here.”

“Don’t be so hard on the kid, Gio. He and Marion might actually make a good pair. Sure, she’s made of pine, but something tells me Legno here’s got a little wood in him, too.”

Giovanni, now scrunching his eyes and rubbing his temples, pleaded with his brother, “Beppe, please shut up. Legno, we’ll see you later today, alright?”

“Fine,” Legno pouted as he limped away, his body once again heavy with a feeling of rejection.

He walked down the cobblestone streets, hands in his pockets, anger in his eyes.

“Stupid!” Legno exclaimed as he kicked a rock down the street, “Gemini!” he yelled again, punting yet another rock, “Brothers!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as a third rock went flying into the distance.

“You sure are an angry fellow, aren’t you, lad?” a tiny, somewhat gravely voice said.

Legno looked around, trying to find the source, “Who…?”

“Maybe I can help with that,” the mysterious voice added. “I overheard that little exchange you had with those gypsies. Not very helpful, were they?”

“No, they were kind dou…” Legno started saying, still looking around. “Wait, seriously, who are you and where are you?”

“Look down, son.”

Peering at the ground, Legno discovered who this mystery person was, except it wasn’t a person at all…

…it was a giant talking bug.

“My name is Timothy, and I’m going to make all of your dreams come true.”


END OF ACT 1


Holy crap, Act 1 is finally done. Who would’ve thought that I’d have the attention span to get this far? Certainly not I.

So share on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, or e-mail me with any comments or suggestions! See you in a week!







Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 4



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I’m going to start this one off by saying, after years of fighting against it, I finally have a Twitter account: @SteveDoesItAll. Please follow me for all your shameless-pimping-of-this-blog needs!

And if you need catching up, check out Act 1, Part 3 here. Enjoy!


The people were going crazy for the song, but Legno was too young to grasp the humor of the raunchy ballad.

Although not as captivated by the song as the rest of the audience, he was still determined to see what exactly was going on. Not strong enough to push through and not tall enough to peer over, Legno had to resort to jumping up in the air to see what was happening.

Legno hopped desperately over the crowd; his pale, skinny calf muscles doing all they could to propel him as high as possible.

Each glimpse painted more of a picture:

*Hop* A long-haired man standing tall.

*Hop* A cross-shaped object in each of his hands.

*Hop* Another figure, smaller in stature, dancing to the minstrel’s song.

*Hop* A swath of golden blonde hair.

*Hop* Eyes as green as a meadow.

*Hop* Dark, caramel-colored skin.

*Hop* He was in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His heart raced. His palms were sweaty. So utterly taken aback by this girl’s beauty, he could barely move. He had to wait until the crowd dispersed before seeing her again.

After what felt like an eternity, the performance ended.

“Thank you, thank you!” one man screamed, “Please, please, have no reservations about emptying your wallets as we have emptied our hearts! Thank you!”

A second man came around with a pail, hoping for some generous patrons to throw in spare change. After roughly three minutes, a few measly coins were lining the bottom of the pail, and the majority of the crowd retired back to their homes. Legno, more nervous than he had even been, reluctantly made his way forward. Part of him wished the crowd were still there so that he’d have an excuse to not approach her yet.

With all of his prior confidence long gone, and feeling like someone just kicked him in the stomach, Legno continued to inch forward.

There she was. Lean and fit and appearing to be roughly Legno’s age, she was even more beautiful than he had realized. But as he drew closer, he saw that she was in a lifeless, supine position next to the miniature stage where she performed.

“Can we help you, little guy?” a voice asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

Legno jolted back, startled. He had been too enamored to realize that there were two lanky gentlemen standing right there.

Immediately, Legno noticed the similarities between the two men. No, more than just similar…identical. Their long, stringy brown hair; their gaunt, unshaven faces; and their flowing green tunics. He was seeing double.

“Um…so she must be worn out from the performance, huh?” Legno replied, not quite answering the question.

The one man turned to the other, both confused, then looked back at Legno.

“…yeah, sure. I guess,” he replied. “So you liked the show?”

“I really couldn’t see what was going on. And I didn’t really understand the lyrics. If you’re hungry, why would you want a girl to spread her legs?”

After a few seconds of an unbearably awkward silence, the second man answered, “Yeah, the show isn’t really for kids. We usually tell parents that beforehand, but I guess yours wasn’t around…”

“Nah, I assume he’s passed out in his own filth by now,” Legno replied while turning his head to examine the area. “Anywho, what is all this exactly?”

“My brother here and I are traveling minstrels, the soon-to-be famous…”

At this point, the man stopped for a moment, hopped up on stage, threw out his arms, and finished, “GEMINI BROTHERS!”

“You’ll have to excuse him,” the other man sighed, “he’s a bit more theatrical than I am. I’m Giovanni; he’s Giuseppe. I play the fiddle, and he provides the vocals and movements for our lady Marion there.”

“…Marion…” Legno said to himself, “that’s the most beautiful name in the world.”

“It’s just a silly play on words since she’s a marion—”

“…Marion…” he repeated, utterly captivated.

“So kid, you never answered me,” Giuseppe said, hopping off the stage, “What can we help you with? You said you didn’t quite get the show, so…”

“I wanted to meet the girl!” Legno blurted out as if he didn’t say it quickly, he wasn’t going to say it at all.

The two brothers, again, shared a confused look.

“You…” started Giuseppe.

“…what?” finished Giovanni.

“Meet the girl…Marion. I want to hold her, kiss her, love her, marry her, raise a family with her, and then one day grow to resent her. Every little boy’s fantasy.”

Silence.

“Oh, and I guess we’ll get a Labrador at some point.”

“You want to meet…Marion?” Giuseppe asked, bewildered, “You know she’s a doll, right?”

“Oh man, is she ever,” Legno responded, his eyes wide as he stared at her motionless body. “Look at her there, sleeping like an angel.”

“No, kid,” Giovanni interjected, “she’s an actual doll. A marionette. She has strings attached.”

“What girl doesn’t? Amiright, fellas?”

Giuseppe smirked and turned to his brother, “He’s got ya there, Gio.”

TO BE CONTINUED


And with that, the second-to-last part of Act 1 wraps up. Find out next week if Legno’s able to convince the Geminis to let him date “Marion” and for the introduction of a new character in the Act 1 Finale of do you need a prescription to buy viagra online.








Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 3



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Need catching up? Check out Act 1, Part 1 here and Act 1, Part 2 here. Enjoy!


With misguided confidence and a self-satisfied grin on his face, Legno approached the first girl he laid eyes on: Gloria Pane, a local bread maker’s daughter, one year above him in school.

“Older woman,” Legno said to himself. “Jackpot.”

Legno, moving with a fluidity of an eel in treacherous waters, sidled up next to Gloria. Leaning in next to her, he stated in an awkward aloofness, “I could’ve sworn we were in Palermo, but it certainly looks like Cougar Town from where I’m standing.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Legno. What do you want?”

“Just to talk. I thought we could get to know each other. How’s your day so far?”

“It was fine,” Gloria said in an exasperated tone, “until some asshole tried hitting on me on my way home.”

Legno stood there, softly biting his bottom lip and nodding to himself. After a moment or two, he replied, “Okay, well we’re going to try this again. This time around, you’ll be playing the part of ‘Not a bitch.’ Sound good?”

Legno had always wondered what it was like to get slapped in the face.

Okay, moving on, Legno thought as he rubbed his cheek.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Diana Bontempo walking in to a nearby candy store. Wasting no time, he quickly followed her in, caring nothing for subtlety or tact.

As Diana picked a box of peppermint fudge off a shelf, Legno walked up, staring at her. She tried her hardest to ignore him.

“Good time,” Legno said, grinning like a goon.

“What?” Diana asked.

“Good time,” Legno repeated, still with that satisfied smile on his face.

Gloria turned her attention back to the chocolate, trying once again to ignore him.

“Bontempo. Bon means good and tempo time. Bontempo. Good time.”

“What’s your point?”

“Just wanted to see if you lived up to the name.”

Legno never wondered what it was like to get kicked in the testicles.

As he limped out of the candy store, he muttered “This day is horseshit” to himself. “All these girls think who the hell they—”

Suddenly, a thunderous roar of applause stopped Legno in his tracks. He couldn’t tell what exactly, but something was occurring at the other end of the street. A mass of people of all ages had gathered and were rambunctiously clapping and cheering. For what, he wasn’t quite sure.

Downcast and dejected, Legno half-heartedly made his way towards the crowd, hoping whatever it was would take some of the bite out of the awful morning he’d been having. As he drew closer, a sound pierced through the noise of the crowd. It was singing.

Oh, she loves to sing and she loves to dance/Buy her a drink and you can spank her ass!

A roar of laughter erupted from the crowd.

Flash her a smile and shoot her a wink/And then good sir, you’ll be seeing some pink!

The laughter continued, even louder this time.

If you need a snack then she’ll cook you eggs/And if none are left then she’ll spread her legs!


TO BE CONTINUED


That’s all for today! Come back next week (or so) to find out who exactly this girl is that these men are singing about, and more importantly, find out what Legno thinks of her. See you then (let’s hope) for Act 1, Part 4!







Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 2



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For those of you who may have missed the first installment, you can either scroll down for three seconds or click here. Enjoy!

“Where are you off to?” Saggezza asked, half-heartedly as Legno began heading out the door.

“Going in to town!” Legno responded in a loud, annoyingly peppy manner.

“For…?”

“Listen, Saggies…”

“Don’t ca—”

“…I’ve been thinking how it’s time for me to finally get out there. Be a man. Sow my wild oats.”

“You’re 11.”

“Yeah, and it’s also the 19th century. Isn’t the average lifespan, like, 14?”

Rubbing his temples and letting out a long sigh, Saggezza muttered, “If you’re going in to town, buy me a bottle of Campari.”

“Artichoke liquor? Yeah, I guess life in the Sicilian ghettos wasn’t bad enough.”

“You’re awfully precocious for a blockhead.”

Legno paused momentarily, not exactly certain of the words Saggezza used.

“Buh?”

“Never mind, Legno,” Saggezza said, sighing once more. “Hav…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Legno, with a pep in his step, grabbed his shoes and was out the door in a flash.

Saggezza, silently to himself, finished, “Have fun, son.”

Legno made his way out of the house in the outskirts of Palermo and in to the bustling metropolis itself. As he strutted down the cobblestone streets, he couldn’t help but catch his reflection in a store window and admire what he saw: Legno clocked in at a solid one and a quarter meters and thirty kilograms; his hair, curly and unkempt, was slowly being turned into an afro by the strong winds; his acne telling the tale that puberty was here, and that he was no longer a boy. Nay, he was less of a boy and more of a god.

Oh, yes. He was looking good.


TO BE CONTINUED


Thoughts? Like it more than the first part? Less? Comments are more than welcome. The next part will be up soon!