Drawings From Kevin: Legno Ragazzo

2012-12-13 / stevedoesitall / 29 Comments

Drawings From Kevin: Legno Ragazzo

Have you been wondering what Legno, the breakout star of Wood You Be Mine? looks like? Has it given you many sleepless nights? Have you consulted with friends, loved ones, and/or religious leaders? Well, your suffering is over! Thanks to friend/co-worker/roommate/sexually ambiguous Kevin Lafferty, a beautifully rendered portrait of Legno now exists. Feast your eyes:

So how’s he look? Better than you expected? Worse? You can be as critical as you want; Kevin has nothing even close to resembling feelings. And let me know on Facebook or Twitter what you’d like to see him draw next.

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 2

2012-12-11 / stevedoesitall / 2,139 Comments

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 2

Due to a deluge of requests (read: one), a Get E-Mail Updates button has been added to the right hand side of the blog*: —————->

*Arrow included in case you’re like me and get left and right mixed up sometimes.

So if you feel that you’re not getting enough updates via Facebook and Twitter, inflate my ego and subscribe now! You’ll be sent an e-mail every time there’s a new post.

Need catching up on last week’s entry? Click here! Now gather ’round, ye children. The adventures of Legno and Timothy are about to continue…

“We’re actually not that far,” Timothy replied, “start by heading north out of town and in to the woods. As luck would have it, it’s roughly three kilometers away. We can get there in no time!”

Needing to hear no more, Legno rapidly made his way through town and in to the heavily forested area, all the while having Timothy perched carefully upon his shoulder. Not one for the great outdoors, this was the first time Legno had traversed the region. It was the first time he heard the crunch of the dry grass beneath his feet, the first time he had been eclipsed by the lush green of the cherry bark oak trees, the first time the growling sounds of the animals filled his ears.

But as exciting as this all was to his senses, more exciting was the prospect of the new beginning that Timothy had promised. Unfortunately, despite his emotional enthusiasm, Legno’s diminutive frame wasn’t used to supporting this much physical exertion, and he was soon doubled over and wheezing.

*Huff* “Are…” *huff* “…you sure…” *huff* “…we’re going…” *huff* “…the right…” *huff* “…way?”

“Yes, yes. But take a minute to catch your breath. You’ll do neither of us any good by passing out in the woods,” Timothy answered.

“It’s just that we’ve been traveling for hours, and I feel like we haven’t gotten any closer,” Legno said, sounding more than a little discouraged.

“It’s been fourteen seconds, Legno,” Timothy responded. “Look,” he said, pointing with his cane, “you can still clearly see everyone in town.”

“That can’t be ri…” Legno began as he glanced over his shoulder, only to see the townspeople going about their day, their voices still audible:

“What do you mean you’re out of eggs!”

“I swear to GOD I’m not afraid to slap you in public!”

“The minstrels were hot, but they were way too old. I wonder if they have a younger brother…”

“And then he said he wanted to see if I ‘lived up to my name,’ the creep.”

“Huh, well, I’ll be dipped. Hey look, there Diana goes again!” Legno then cupped his hands and screamed, “Diana! Hey, Diana!”

“What!” she screamed back. “What is it you want this time, creep!”

“That dress makes your ass look fat!”

His legs now going faster than anyone thought humanly possible, Legno made his way through the woods with the blistering speed of an arrow shot by an expert marksman. His movements were precise, fluid, and flawless.

Now deep in the heart of the Sicilian woodlands, Diana was finally no longer in sight and no longer could the screams of “If you thought that hurt the first time, wait until I use my good leg!” be heard. Legno considered it safe for a momentary stop. And as soon as he did, a fuming Timothy shouted, “Why in Heaven’s name did you think that was a good idea!”

“As great as true love is,” Legno replied, his breathing once again heavy, “I needed a little more incentive to keep moving.”

Now confused, Timothy asked, “And that would be…?”

“Not wanting to get kicked in the testicles twice in the same morning,” he answered back with a smirk. “Now, can we sit for a spell? It feels like my lungs are on fire.”

“Yes, that’s probably for the best. But do remember, we’re on a tight schedule,” Timothy warned.

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Legno replied as he plopped down on the ground. The sound of his breathing had that loud, nasally, wheezing noise that mimicked the tone of an enraged howler monkey. Thankfully, after a few minutes, his breathing returned to normal, and his heart no longer felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest.

Placing his hands on the ground, he pushed himself up, wiped his now-running nose with a dirty finger as a loud *SNURF* sound radiated from his nostrils, rubbed his face, and cleaned the mess on his hands with the backside of his shorts.

Immediately trying to forget what he had just witnessed, a repulsed Timothy asked “Are we…*urp*.” Right away, Timothy balled his left hand in to a fist and covered his mouth.

After taking a second to make sure he stomach was settled, he began again, “Terribly sorry about that. Are we quite ready, then?”

“Yep, yep,” Legno responded, some of his pep returning to him, “let’s get a move on.”

With Legno back on his feet, the pair resumed their journey. The boy was getting more and more acclimated to the outdoors as he maneuvered his lithe, narrow frame over the rocks and through the trees. All the while, Timothy played director, instructing Legno on where to go at every twist and turn.

“We’re getting close!” Timothy exclaimed eagerly, “Just a few more minutes and we should be there. Take a right at this bend, and that will guide you the rest of the way. The old girl’s going to be delighted to meet you, I’m sure.”

“Cool, cool. I love old ladies. They always have the most interesting smells. How do you know this one exactly?”

“Oh, we’re old acquaintances. She’s the one who taught me everything I know and made me what I am.”

Legno’s face lit up as he turned to Timothy, “So the top hat…!”

“Enough with the hat, son. As I was saying, back when I was just another insect, acting entirely on instinct, something drew me to her cabin. It’s hard to say what; life before that day’s not quite clear. But what I do remember is that it was as if I had been living in a house where the curtains were always closed. And after she helped me, it was as if the curtains had finally been drawn and I was able to see the sun for the first time.”

“But why did she change you? I feel like most people would just step on you when your back is turned.”

“A lovely thought, thank you for that,” Timothy drolly responded.

“Just sayin’,” Legno remarked under his breath.

TO BE CONTINUED

Things are certainly heating up now, aren’t they? Looks like Legno’s finally getting a stroke of luck in Timothy, but can the little bugger actually deliver? And how exactly did he become the walking, talking insect we’ve all grown to love? Guess you’re going to have to keep reading to find out! In the meantime, keep yourself busy by commenting and sharing on Facebook and Twitter.

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 1

2012-12-04 / stevedoesitall / 28 Comments

Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 1

Welcome everyone to the start of Act 2, and I hope you’re all caught up on Act 1! If you need a quick refresher, last we left off, Legno had just met Timothy, an enormous talking bug who promised to change his life. Will he follow through? Let’s find out in Act 2 of Wood You Be Mine?

Legno stared, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. He tried to respond, but all he could manage to muster was “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Understandably, this must be a lot for you to take in,” Timothy replied.

“Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?” Legno continued.

“It’s not everyday one sees a well-dressed, well-mannered, and above all else, well-spoken insect, is it?”

Silence for a second, followed by “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Okay,” Timothy said, slightly annoyed and beginning to turn away, “I guess I’ll find some other boy to woo that cute little lady that you have eyes for.”

“Wait!” Legno yelled, finally with actually words, “You’re not serious, are you?”

Turning back towards Legno, Timothy calmy stated, “No. I’m not. But I assumed that would snap you out of it.”

Although the initial shock had finally subsided, Legno still couldn’t believe his eyes: There in front of him was some sort of overgrown cockroach, roughly thirteen centimeters in height. Adorned with what appeared to be a blazer, walking stick, and a top hat, Legno got on his hands and knees for a closer look.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me,” Timothy remarked.

Legno’s gray eyes squinted as he examined the creature. After a few moments, he responded, “Where the hell do you find a top hat that small?”

“Really? You see a talking insect, and that’s your question? My attire?”

“It’s so well crafted. Is it a fashion thing, or do you just have a weird-shaped head?”

Having no interest in playing in to the boy’s stupidity, Timothy began, “I saw how those two men treated you. Not very helpful, were they?”

Legno’s eyes narrowed, and he turned his head, not wanting Timothy to see his expression of shame and embarrassment. “No. Not at all,” he replied.

“You’re just a young man looking for love, aren’t you?”

“Yes! Absolutely! And they refused to help!” he responded, his eyes widened and head snapping forward to face Timothy again.

“Ah, well that’s where I come in. Don’t you know why they refused?”

“Because the whole damn world’s out to get me,” he muttered pathetically as he turned his head to face the ground.

“Oh stop with that woe-is-me type attitude,” Timothy said with a sigh. “You’ll get nowhere in life thinking like that. Take a look at me for instance…”

“…and your hat…”

“Take a look at me for instance,” Timothy repeated, “I wasn’t born this way. I started out as just another common member of the Recticulitermes lucifugus.”

A baffled look danced across Legno’s face and he asked “You’re…rectal fungus?”

“Why don’t you just do us both a favor and keep quiet for a while? Now, as I was saying, I was just another common insect, but I always knew I deserved more. I had the potential to be more, and it was going unrealized.”

“So you ‘being more’ meant becoming an abnormally large bug with abnormally small clothes?”

“No, son. Me ‘being more’ meant a chance at a new start and a new beginning to make my life anything I wanted it to be. All I needed was that push in the right direction,” Timothy explained, “And I was able to amass everything one could want, including love.”

“You were able to find love?” Legno’s interest was now truly piqued. Timothy had said the magic word.

“Indeed I was,” Timothy replied. “And you can, too. And as I said earlier, I’m going to help.”

“How?”

“This girl, this…?”

“Marion.”

“This Marion. She’s not quite human, correct?”

“She’s, well…no. She’s a doll. But at the same time, she’s more human than the rest of us.”

Timothy nodded. Sure, what the boy had just said made absolutely no sense, but a mixture of youth and infatuation rarely made for the most sound of minds.

“So,” Legno began, “what do we do? How can you help me?”

“Oh, it quite simple, son,” Timothy replied.

“Simple how?”

“I’m going to help you become a wooden boy.”

Legno was taken aback. That idea, it was…it was…

“…the best idea I HAVE EVER HEARD!” Legno exclaimed.

“I thought you might like it,” Timothy said with a smile.

“And then the Geminis…es will have to take me along with them! A doll that can sing and dance all his own, they’d make a killing!”

“My thoughts exactly!” Timothy declared, sharing Legno’s enthusiasm for the idea.

“But why help me? I’m no one to you,” Legno asked in a rare moment of lucidity.

“When life is kind enough to grant you a chance at something better, the least you can do is to pay it forward. These Gemini Brothers, they’re like so many other people in the world: They look to put others down, suppress their potential, and keep them from obtaining what they want and what they deserve. And that includes you, son.

“A person can grow bitter and angry when they are denied their heart’s desire,” Timothy continued, “and I’d hate to see a boy with his whole life ahead of him become jaded towards the world at such a young age. The thought of it just breaks my heart.”

An image of Saggezza flashed in to Legno’s mind and a pang of empathy struck him. He was beginning to piece together why his surrogate father drank so much.

“That’s…that’s really nice,” Legno replied, noticeably touched by Timothy’s kindness. “But how do we go about that?”

“Simple. We see the witch who made me what I am.”

“We see which what?” a confused Legno asked.

“No,” Timothy responded, almost immediately.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” retorted Legno.

“I’m not doing shtick with you. We’re going to see a witch, as in a woman with magical powers,” Timothy countered, not interested in the back-and-forth that was sure to ensue.

“Fine,” Legno pouted as he began the rise back to his feet, “but it would’ve been a riot.”

At that moment, Timothy, with a few deliberate hops, began a scramble up the left side of Legno.

*Hop* First to his ankle.

“Yes…”

*Hop* Then to his knee.

“I’m sure…”

*Hop* Next to his forearm.

“It would’ve been…”

*Hop* And finally resting upon his shoulder.

“Utter hilarity,” Timothy finished, slightly out of breath, “but we have to be on our way if we want to get to my friend’s house. I imagine you’d like to get there sooner rather than later.”

“Fair enough,” Legno responded. “Just point me in the right direction.”

TO BE CONTINUED

And with that, the first part of Act 2 wraps up! How do you like it compared to Act 1? I’m more than a little interested in your thoughts, so let me know on Facebook or Twitter!

See you all in a week!

Wood You Be Mine? Act 1 Finale

2012-11-27 / stevedoesitall / 1 Comment

photo WYBM1F_zpsa48bd4f6.jpg

To everyone who’s followed along so far, I present to you the thrilling conclusion to Act 1 of Wood You Be Mine? I hope you’ve enjoyed reading it as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it. And don’t worry — we still have two acts left.

Last we left off, Legno was trying to convince the Brothers Gemini for a chance with Marion, a sexy, seductive (to Legno) marionette. Will they let him? Hint: No. Like I said, there are still two acts left up in this bitch.

And if you need catching up, check out Act 1, Part 4 here. Enjoy!

“Don’t encourage him,” Giovanni said, snapping at his brother. “Okay, listen…wait, what’s your name?”

“Legno Abigail Ragazzo.”

“Okay, Legno. Marion here is a doll…”

“Oh man, is she…”

“No, shut up, you said that already. Listen and let me finish. Marion is an actual doll. She’s made of wood. She has no flesh, no organs, and no brain.”

“Sounds like a match made in heaven if you ask me, Gio,” Giuseppe choked out, partially laughing at his own joke.

“You seem like a nice kid,” Giovanni continued, ignoring his brother’s comment, “a little dense, but not your fault. Frankly, I blame the schools. But that’s neither here nor there. My point is that you two can’t be together. Why don’t you try finding a nice living girl your own age?”

“But…” Legno began, before being cut off by Giovanni.

“We’re doing one more show here tonight at dusk,” he stated in a very matter-of-fact manner, “Same spot. If you want to, come by and we’ll let you say good-bye to ‘Marion’ before we head back north.”

“Yeah,” Giuseppe said, picking her up, “Maybe she’ll even let you give her a kiss good-bye.” Turning his head to the doll, he continued, “Won’t ya, love?”

Giuseppe, speaking in a high-pitched voice out of the side of his mouth, responded to his own question as if he were Marion, “Oh, that would be the cat’s pajamas!”

“Oh, you’re a filthy little slut, aren’t ya, love?” Giuseppe cackled, then immediately tossed Marion into her carrying case. “Gio, if you kindly, a little help disassembling the stage?”

“Wait, what are you…!” Legno cried.

“We still have a lot work to do before we can pack it in for the morning,” Giovanni responded, exhausted from the conversation. “I’d let you stay, but to be honest, you’re kind of a weirdo, and I’m a little afraid you’re going to fondle the doll.”

“I’d be gentle.”

“I’m sure you would be. Listen: Tonight. Dusk. Come early so you get a good view of the show. But for now, seriously, get out of here.”

“Don’t be so hard on the kid, Gio. He and Marion might actually make a good pair. Sure, she’s made of pine, but something tells me Legno here’s got a little wood in him, too.”

Giovanni, now scrunching his eyes and rubbing his temples, pleaded with his brother, “Beppe, please shut up. Legno, we’ll see you later today, alright?”

“Fine,” Legno pouted as he limped away, his body once again heavy with a feeling of rejection.

He walked down the cobblestone streets, hands in his pockets, anger in his eyes.

“Stupid!” Legno exclaimed as he kicked a rock down the street, “Gemini!” he yelled again, punting yet another rock, “Brothers!” he screamed at the top of his lungs as a third rock went flying into the distance.

“You sure are an angry fellow, aren’t you, lad?” a tiny, somewhat gravely voice said.

Legno looked around, trying to find the source, “Who…?”

“Maybe I can help with that,” the mysterious voice added. “I overheard that little exchange you had with those gypsies. Not very helpful, were they?”

“No, they were kind dou…” Legno started saying, still looking around. “Wait, seriously, who are you and where are you?”

“Look down, son.”

Peering at the ground, Legno discovered who this mystery person was, except it wasn’t a person at all…

…it was a giant talking bug.

“My name is Timothy, and I’m going to make all of your dreams come true.”

END OF ACT 1

Holy crap, Act 1 is finally done. Who would’ve thought that I’d have the attention span to get this far? Certainly not I.

So share on Facebook, retweet on Twitter, or e-mail me with any comments or suggestions! See you in a week!

Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 4

2012-11-20 / stevedoesitall / 1 Comment

photo WYBM14_zpsf9455d00.jpg

I’m going to start this one off by saying, after years of fighting against it, I finally have a Twitter account: @SteveDoesItAll. Please follow me for all your shameless-pimping-of-this-blog needs!

And if you need catching up, check out Act 1, Part 3 here. Enjoy!

The people were going crazy for the song, but Legno was too young to grasp the humor of the raunchy ballad.

Although not as captivated by the song as the rest of the audience, he was still determined to see what exactly was going on. Not strong enough to push through and not tall enough to peer over, Legno had to resort to jumping up in the air to see what was happening.

Legno hopped desperately over the crowd; his pale, skinny calf muscles doing all they could to propel him as high as possible.

Each glimpse painted more of a picture:

*Hop* A long-haired man standing tall.

*Hop* A cross-shaped object in each of his hands.

*Hop* Another figure, smaller in stature, dancing to the minstrel’s song.

*Hop* A swath of golden blonde hair.

*Hop* Eyes as green as a meadow.

*Hop* Dark, caramel-colored skin.

*Hop* He was in love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His heart raced. His palms were sweaty. So utterly taken aback by this girl’s beauty, he could barely move. He had to wait until the crowd dispersed before seeing her again.

After what felt like an eternity, the performance ended.

“Thank you, thank you!” one man screamed, “Please, please, have no reservations about emptying your wallets as we have emptied our hearts! Thank you!”

A second man came around with a pail, hoping for some generous patrons to throw in spare change. After roughly three minutes, a few measly coins were lining the bottom of the pail, and the majority of the crowd retired back to their homes. Legno, more nervous than he had even been, reluctantly made his way forward. Part of him wished the crowd were still there so that he’d have an excuse to not approach her yet.

With all of his prior confidence long gone, and feeling like someone just kicked him in the stomach, Legno continued to inch forward.

There she was. Lean and fit and appearing to be roughly Legno’s age, she was even more beautiful than he had realized. But as he drew closer, he saw that she was in a lifeless, supine position next to the miniature stage where she performed.

“Can we help you, little guy?” a voice asked, seemingly out of nowhere.

Legno jolted back, startled. He had been too enamored to realize that there were two lanky gentlemen standing right there.

Immediately, Legno noticed the similarities between the two men. No, more than just similar…identical. Their long, stringy brown hair; their gaunt, unshaven faces; and their flowing green tunics. He was seeing double.

“Um…so she must be worn out from the performance, huh?” Legno replied, not quite answering the question.

The one man turned to the other, both confused, then looked back at Legno.

“…yeah, sure. I guess,” he replied. “So you liked the show?”

“I really couldn’t see what was going on. And I didn’t really understand the lyrics. If you’re hungry, why would you want a girl to spread her legs?”

After a few seconds of an unbearably awkward silence, the second man answered, “Yeah, the show isn’t really for kids. We usually tell parents that beforehand, but I guess yours wasn’t around…”

“Nah, I assume he’s passed out in his own filth by now,” Legno replied while turning his head to examine the area. “Anywho, what is all this exactly?”

“My brother here and I are traveling minstrels, the soon-to-be famous…”

At this point, the man stopped for a moment, hopped up on stage, threw out his arms, and finished, “GEMINI BROTHERS!”

“You’ll have to excuse him,” the other man sighed, “he’s a bit more theatrical than I am. I’m Giovanni; he’s Giuseppe. I play the fiddle, and he provides the vocals and movements for our lady Marion there.”

“…Marion…” Legno said to himself, “that’s the most beautiful name in the world.”

“It’s just a silly play on words since she’s a marion—”

“…Marion…” he repeated, utterly captivated.

“So kid, you never answered me,” Giuseppe said, hopping off the stage, “What can we help you with? You said you didn’t quite get the show, so…”

“I wanted to meet the girl!” Legno blurted out as if he didn’t say it quickly, he wasn’t going to say it at all.

The two brothers, again, shared a confused look.

“You…” started Giuseppe.

“…what?” finished Giovanni.

“Meet the girl…Marion. I want to hold her, kiss her, love her, marry her, raise a family with her, and then one day grow to resent her. Every little boy’s fantasy.”

Silence.

“Oh, and I guess we’ll get a Labrador at some point.”

“You want to meet…Marion?” Giuseppe asked, bewildered, “You know she’s a doll, right?”

“Oh man, is she ever,” Legno responded, his eyes wide as he stared at her motionless body. “Look at her there, sleeping like an angel.”

“No, kid,” Giovanni interjected, “she’s an actual doll. A marionette. She has strings attached.”

“What girl doesn’t? Amiright, fellas?”

Giuseppe smirked and turned to his brother, “He’s got ya there, Gio.”

TO BE CONTINUED

And with that, the second-to-last part of Act 1 wraps up. Find out next week if Legno’s able to convince the Geminis to let him date “Marion” and for the introduction of a new character in the Act 1 Finale of Wood You Be Mine?.

Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 3

2012-11-14 / stevedoesitall / 3 Comments

photo WYBM13_zpsa61d3bfd.jpg
Need catching up? Check out Act 1, Part 1 here and Act 1, Part 2 here. Enjoy!

With misguided confidence and a self-satisfied grin on his face, Legno approached the first girl he laid eyes on: Gloria Pane, a local bread maker’s daughter, one year above him in school.

“Older woman,” Legno said to himself. “Jackpot.”

Legno, moving with a fluidity of an eel in treacherous waters, sidled up next to Gloria. Leaning in next to her, he stated in an awkward aloofness, “I could’ve sworn we were in Palermo, but it certainly looks like Cougar Town from where I’m standing.”

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Legno. What do you want?”

“Just to talk. I thought we could get to know each other. How’s your day so far?”

“It was fine,” Gloria said in an exasperated tone, “until some asshole tried hitting on me on my way home.”

Legno stood there, softly biting his bottom lip and nodding to himself. After a moment or two, he replied, “Okay, well we’re going to try this again. This time around, you’ll be playing the part of ‘Not a bitch.’ Sound good?”

Legno had always wondered what it was like to get slapped in the face.

Okay, moving on, Legno thought as he rubbed his cheek.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Diana Bontempo walking in to a nearby candy store. Wasting no time, he quickly followed her in, caring nothing for subtlety or tact.

As Diana picked a box of peppermint fudge off a shelf, Legno walked up, staring at her. She tried her hardest to ignore him.

“Good time,” Legno said, grinning like a goon.

“What?” Diana asked.

“Good time,” Legno repeated, still with that satisfied smile on his face.

Gloria turned her attention back to the chocolate, trying once again to ignore him.

“Bontempo. Bon means good and tempo time. Bontempo. Good time.”

“What’s your point?”

“Just wanted to see if you lived up to the name.”

Legno never wondered what it was like to get kicked in the testicles.

As he limped out of the candy store, he muttered “This day is horseshit” to himself. “All these girls think who the hell they—”

Suddenly, a thunderous roar of applause stopped Legno in his tracks. He couldn’t tell what exactly, but something was occurring at the other end of the street. A mass of people of all ages had gathered and were rambunctiously clapping and cheering. For what, he wasn’t quite sure.

Downcast and dejected, Legno half-heartedly made his way towards the crowd, hoping whatever it was would take some of the bite out of the awful morning he’d been having. As he drew closer, a sound pierced through the noise of the crowd. It was singing.

Oh, she loves to sing and she loves to dance/Buy her a drink and you can spank her ass!

A roar of laughter erupted from the crowd.

Flash her a smile and shoot her a wink/And then good sir, you’ll be seeing some pink!

The laughter continued, even louder this time.

If you need a snack then she’ll cook you eggs/And if none are left then she’ll spread her legs!

TO BE CONTINUED

That’s all for today! Come back next week (or so) to find out who exactly this girl is that these men are singing about, and more importantly, find out what Legno thinks of her. See you then (let’s hope) for Act 1, Part 4!

Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 2

2012-11-05 / stevedoesitall / 1 Comment

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For those of you who may have missed the first installment, you can either scroll down for three seconds or click here. Enjoy!

“Where are you off to?” Saggezza asked, half-heartedly as Legno began heading out the door.

“Going in to town!” Legno responded in a loud, annoyingly peppy manner.

“For…?”

“Listen, Saggies…”

“Don’t ca—”

“…I’ve been thinking how it’s time for me to finally get out there. Be a man. Sow my wild oats.”

“You’re 11.”

“Yeah, and it’s also the 19th century. Isn’t the average lifespan, like, 14?”

Rubbing his temples and letting out a long sigh, Saggezza muttered, “If you’re going in to town, buy me a bottle of Campari.”

“Artichoke liquor? Yeah, I guess life in the Sicilian ghettos wasn’t bad enough.”

“You’re awfully precocious for a blockhead.”

Legno paused momentarily, not exactly certain of the words Saggezza used.

“Buh?”

“Never mind, Legno,” Saggezza said, sighing once more. “Hav…”

Before he could finish his sentence, Legno, with a pep in his step, grabbed his shoes and was out the door in a flash.

Saggezza, silently to himself, finished, “Have fun, son.”

Legno made his way out of the house in the outskirts of Palermo and in to the bustling metropolis itself. As he strutted down the cobblestone streets, he couldn’t help but catch his reflection in a store window and admire what he saw: Legno clocked in at a solid one and a quarter meters and thirty kilograms; his hair, curly and unkempt, was slowly being turned into an afro by the strong winds; his acne telling the tale that puberty was here, and that he was no longer a boy. Nay, he was less of a boy and more of a god.

Oh, yes. He was looking good.

TO BE CONTINUED

Thoughts? Like it more than the first part? Less? Comments are more than welcome. The next part will be up soon!

First Request

2012-11-03 / stevedoesitall / 0 Comments

First Request

Kristen the Riveter

Technically, this is the second request I’ve gotten, but the first request of “erotica” (you know who you are) seemed a little too risqué so early on. So in my attempt to teach myself basic Photoshop, I started with:

Oh, the places that fist has been…the things it’s seen.

Mixed gently with this:

And this was birthed:

Please don’t click on this image; the quality is much worse zoomed in.

Okay, the speech balloon doesn’t exactly match up, but I was very hungover (mom, hope you’re not reading this). Granted, it’s not the most spectacular piece of Phostoshopping you’ll ever see, but I have a bit of pride in it all the same.

So if anyone else has a some images that they’d like to see me crudely mash together, keeping in mind that it’ll look worse than that married couple’s first kiss on The Virgin Diaries, let me know here.

Wood You Be Mine? Act 1, Part 1

2012-10-31 / stevedoesitall / 2,225 Comments

photo WYBM11_zpsa38785fd.jpg

Legno Ragazzo is an idiot.

Okay, that’s not fair. Legno was seriously lacking in common sense, forethought, and overall good judgment, but the idiot had his reasons. The skinny 11-year old had been orphaned at a young age by a woman who sniffed too much glue when he was still in the womb. As such, his capacity to learn was, to put it lightly, diminished. Stefano Saggezza, his foster parent, had done his best to educate him. As a local schoolteacher, Saggezza was no stranger to nurturing young minds, but unfortunately, nothing seemed to stick in Legno’s. Ironic since Legno’s mind was riddled with glue.

Six years had passed since he adopted the young Legno. Saggezza, no stranger to the drink, woke up on the kitchen floor one hot morning in early June after a particularly intense bender. As he ran his fingers through his white, wispy hair, he couldn’t help but notice an etching of himself with the boy on the kitchen wall. Looking at it, the old man reflected on the day he adopted Legno. Not having anyone in his life, he sought to fill the void by adopting a child. Hoping for a child whom he could mold into an intellectual, he chose the boy chewing on his own toenails in the corner, admiring the boy’s ingenuity. That day, he took Legno home with him.

Things hadn’t quite turned out as Saggezza had hoped.

Through the years, Legno seemed to grow dumber and dumber, a fact which never ceased to baffle Saggezza. And although he cared for the boy, Saggezza’s apathy over attempting to raise him was unquestionable.

Legno barreled down the stairs; the racket pierced through the hung-over Saggezza. He flew through the small living area giving no regard to the old man. Entering the kitchen, he threw open the curtains to let some light in.

Saggezza groaned, “Damnit, Legno.”

Ignoring his complaints, Legno poured himself some juice and chugged it as fast as he could. He was in a rush, you see. He had big plans today. Big plans, indeed.

TO BE CONTINUED

Act 1, Part 2 coming soon.

Let me know what you think!

Introduction

2012-10-31 / stevedoesitall / 41 Comments

Introduction

Hello, friends.

So in an attempt to teach myself a bunch of new skills (think Bill Murray in Groundhog Day) such as HTML, Photoshop, Final Cut Pro, piano, etc., I wanted to make a blog to chronicle it. Will it be interesting? Eh. But I’d like to hear from you. Something you want to see Photoshopped? A video you want me to tinker with? How about a short story suggestion (yes, I’ll be writing, too). Suggestions are more than welcome. Let me know: Send Mail

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