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Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 3




I’d like to start this one off on a slightly more serious note. As the holidays are approaching, we should all look to give back a bit. For those of you who may have some extra money, think about donating a couple dollars to those less fortunate. One of my favorites is buy generic Proscalpin online no prescription quick delivery, but there are a ton out there to choose from. ’Tis the season, loyal readers. Make someone out there smile.

Alright, now that the sappiness is out of the way, buy generic Proscalpin without perscription, Legno, with Timothy as his guide, was off to see the witch of the Sicilian forests (no, not you, Aunt Adela). Can she do for Legno what she did for Timothy? Let’s find out in Act 2, Part 3 of buy discounted Proscalpin online


“Truth be told, I don’t know why she didn’t. Boredom, perhaps? Or maybe just loneliness.”

“You never asked?” said a baffled Legno.

“This is going to sound silly,” Timothy began, “but I suppose I was afraid of knowing the truth. Like if I were to look at it too closely, I might see the cracks beneath the surface of the whole thing. Like knowing the truth would be the pinch that woke me up from the dream.”

“Is that why you didn’t stick around?”

“I did for a while; I owed the old girl that much. So I spent time with her, conversed with her, helped her prepare her meals, and the like. As I said earlier, I believe she just felt like having some companionship.”

“Sounds kind of nice, I suppose.”

“It was for a time. She taught me everything I know. But after a while, I knew that I needed to move on.”

At this point, Legno’s investment in Timothy’s story began to wane. If girls or odd bodily functions weren’t involved, he usually couldn’t care less. Changing the subject to something of more interest, Legno asked, “Could you tell me more about you wife?”

“Oh, certainly. She was someone I had known for some time, but I never had the confidence to tell her how I felt. After I became what I am now, I realized it was finally my time. We fell in love and are now happily married with seven million children.”

“Good Lord, seven million? Your stamina must be out of control. And I can’t even begin to imagine what she looks like down there after popping out all those kids.”

“I think we should change the…”

“I once saw a picture of a guy who lost a big chunk of his torso after a bear bit in to it. If I had to take a guess…”

“So how about your foster father?” Timothy yelled, doing everything he could to speak over Legno. “You haven’t yet spoken of him.”

“Um, I think he’s doing all right down there?”

After a heavy sigh, Timothy rephrased, “I meant, in general, how is he? What does he do?”

“Well, Saggies, as he prefers me to call him, is a teacher. But I don’t think he really likes it or anything. He seems depressed all the time. And he drinks a lot.”

“Oh, that’s…that’s very disheartening. Do you have any idea why?”

“Um…not really. I mean, I’m a ray of sunshine, so it’s not my fault. The only thing I can think of is that I sometimes hear him say the name ‘Maggie’ in his sleep followed by a whimper.”

“Ex-girlfriend I take it?”

“Beats me. I kind of always assumed it was some sort of liquor they don’t make anymore. Or like a pet turtle that he used to have.”

“So those are your best guesses: Discontinued alcohol or turtle?”

“Well, when you say it like that, it just makes me sound like an idiot.”

Timothy bit his tongue and decided it’d be proper to just let that comment slide.

The next few minutes were filled with a comfortable silence; Timothy quietly soaked in the scenery, the forest’s musk filling his senses and reminding him of a time gone by, while Legno’s thoughts were brimming with the life he and Marion were sure to have. It was a life of joy, of passion, of tenderness, and of endless ‘knock on wood’ jokes.

And of late nights sensually applying varnish.

And of even later nights filled with sanding down each other’s edges. Those rough, rough edges.

Life as a wooden boy…oh, it was definitely going to be sweet.

“We’re here, son. Look! You can see her cabin just over that hill!” Timothy exclaimed, snapping Legno back to reality.

With a few shakes of his head, his eyes, which seconds ago were blankly staring at the ground, widened and appeared to fill his entire face as his destination finally came in to view.

“Hey, you’re right!” Legno cheered as he made a dash towards the cabin, too excited to merely walk the last few meters.

As he drew nearer, the mundanity of the cabin’s exterior became apparent. Although unimpressed, Legno attempted to remain positive.

“You’d think such a powerful witch would have a fancier place,” Legno commented as he ran his fingers over the cabin’s oaken façade, which, though unassuming, was still well constructed. “But it’s pretty cool to see such professional craftsmanship. I guess my wood will be safe in her hands, huh?”

“Oh, dear,” Timothy muttered to himself while massaging his forehead in an attempt to circumvent the impending migraine Legno was sure to give him. “Be a good lad and give the door a few raps. I don’t know if the old girl is home or not.”

Legno, making his way to the door, did as Timothy requested and gave the door a hearty knock with his fist.

*Thunk*

No answer.

“Try again,” said Timothy.

Legno once again raised his fist to knock on the door and brought it down with the force of a hammer; he desperately wanted the old witch to be there and was hoping her reticence was due to her not hearing him the first time. The sound of flesh and bone against the wooden door was even louder this time.

*THUNK*

*THUNK*

*THUNK*

Still no answer.

After letting out a heavy sigh of disappointment, Legno responded, “Of course. Of course she wouldn’t be home. Why would I expect to have any sort of luck with the way this day’s been going? Let’s head back. Maybe I can patch things up with Diana. ‘Diana, when I said your ass looked fat, what I meant was you have a great figure for popping out a whole mess of kids. Our kids.’ ”

Timothy snapped back, “Oh, stop complaining! A few bumps in the road and you’re ready to throw in the towel! It may not exactly be proper etiquette, but open the door and see if she’s in. It’s possible that she’s just asleep.”

“Let’s try,” Legno said quietly as he turned his hand and placed the bottom sides of his fingers underneath the hand-carved notch and gently opened it.

*Creeeeeeeeek* went the door as Legno slowly pushed it forward. As he leaned in, his head poked through and he uttered a simple, “Hello?”

For a third time, no answer.

“Walk inside,” Timothy replied. “Here or not, she wouldn’t mind my coming through unannounced.” He then turned his attention away from Legno and yelled, “Esther! Esther, dear, are you home? It’s Timothy, and I brought a friend who is quite intent on meeting you!”

“Look,” Legno said as he pointed to the table in the middle of the room. The cabin was fairly tiny, and it didn’t take the boy long to get a more than cursory examination of the place. “There’s a note on the table.”

“Well, it’s more than a bit rude to read someone’s personal letters, I’d say,” Timothy replied.

Walking towards the table, Legno countered with, “But it looks like it’s addressed to you.”

The note, which laid flat on the table, was filled with big, barely legible scribble, with

sprawled across the top.

“It appears you’re right, son. What does it say?”

“Yeesh,” went Legno as he squinted his eyes to try to make discernible the old woman’s scribble. He proceeded to read the note aloud:



“Germany?” Legno responded, confused. “Can we get there before tonight?”

“Legno,” Timothy sighed, “Germany is almost a thousand miles away with seas and mountains in between.”

“Okay, so, what’s she doing there? Why isn’t she here?” Legno asked, his tone almost turning in to a shout.

“Oh, she has the sweetest little place there. Children from all over…”

“So that’s it!” yelled a once again defeated Legno as he cut off Timothy, “This friend of yours decides to take a goddamned vacay and I’m shit out of luck!”

“Did I say that this was my only idea? Failing to plan is planning to fail, Legno.”

“So then what now?” Legno asked, as some placidity returned to his voice.

“Let me ask you, Legno, are you a student of chemistry?”


TO BE CONTINUED


Believe it or not, we’re just about at the halfway point of this tale. But without the witch Esther, what is poor Legno to do? What’s Timothy’s Plan B? Will there be any more thinly-veiled penis jokes? The answers to all these questions can be found next week for the conclusion of Act 2 of buy discounted Proscalpin online

And if you need a taste of what’s to come after that: Twists, turns, lost loves, new beginnings, but unfortunately, fewer nut shots (sorry, Alex). See you in a week!







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Drawings From Kevin: Legno Ragazzo

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Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 2



Due to a deluge of requests (read: one), a Get E-Mail Updates button has been added to the right hand side of the blog*: —————->

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Need catching up on last week’s entry? buy Proscalpin online made in america! Now gather ’round, ye children. The adventures of Legno and Timothy are about to continue…


“We’re actually not that far,” Timothy replied, “start by heading north out of town and in to the woods. As luck would have it, it’s roughly three kilometers away. We can get there in no time!”

Needing to hear no more, Legno rapidly made his way through town and in to the heavily forested area, all the while having Timothy perched carefully upon his shoulder. Not one for the great outdoors, this was the first time Legno had traversed the region. It was the first time he heard the crunch of the dry grass beneath his feet, the first time he had been eclipsed by the lush green of the cherry bark oak trees, the first time the growling sounds of the animals filled his ears.

But as exciting as this all was to his senses, more exciting was the prospect of the new beginning that Timothy had promised. Unfortunately, despite his emotional enthusiasm, Legno’s diminutive frame wasn’t used to supporting this much physical exertion, and he was soon doubled over and wheezing.

*Huff* “Are…” *huff* “…you sure…” *huff* “…we’re going…” *huff* “…the right…” *huff* “…way?”

“Yes, yes. But take a minute to catch your breath. You’ll do neither of us any good by passing out in the woods,” Timothy answered.

“It’s just that we’ve been traveling for hours, and I feel like we haven’t gotten any closer,” Legno said, sounding more than a little discouraged.

“It’s been fourteen seconds, Legno,” Timothy responded. “Look,” he said, pointing with his cane, “you can still clearly see everyone in town.”

“That can’t be ri…” Legno began as he glanced over his shoulder, only to see the townspeople going about their day, their voices still audible:

“What do you mean you’re out of eggs!”

“I swear to GOD I’m not afraid to slap you in public!”

“The minstrels were hot, but they were way too old. I wonder if they have a younger brother…”

“And then he said he wanted to see if I ‘lived up to my name,’ the creep.”

“Huh, well, I’ll be dipped. Hey look, there Diana goes again!” Legno then cupped his hands and screamed, “Diana! Hey, Diana!”

“What!” she screamed back. “What is it you want this time, creep!”

“That dress makes your ass look fat!”

His legs now going faster than anyone thought humanly possible, Legno made his way through the woods with the blistering speed of an arrow shot by an expert marksman. His movements were precise, fluid, and flawless.

Now deep in the heart of the Sicilian woodlands, Diana was finally no longer in sight and no longer could the screams of “If you thought that hurt the first time, wait until I use my good leg!” be heard. Legno considered it safe for a momentary stop. And as soon as he did, a fuming Timothy shouted, “Why in Heaven’s name did you think that was a good idea!”

“As great as true love is,” Legno replied, his breathing once again heavy, “I needed a little more incentive to keep moving.”

Now confused, Timothy asked, “And that would be…?”

“Not wanting to get kicked in the testicles twice in the same morning,” he answered back with a smirk. “Now, can we sit for a spell? It feels like my lungs are on fire.”

“Yes, that’s probably for the best. But do remember, we’re on a tight schedule,” Timothy warned.

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Legno replied as he plopped down on the ground. The sound of his breathing had that loud, nasally, wheezing noise that mimicked the tone of an enraged howler monkey. Thankfully, after a few minutes, his breathing returned to normal, and his heart no longer felt as if it was going to burst out of his chest.

Placing his hands on the ground, he pushed himself up, wiped his now-running nose with a dirty finger as a loud *SNURF* sound radiated from his nostrils, rubbed his face, and cleaned the mess on his hands with the backside of his shorts.

Immediately trying to forget what he had just witnessed, a repulsed Timothy asked “Are we…*urp*.” Right away, Timothy balled his left hand in to a fist and covered his mouth.

After taking a second to make sure he stomach was settled, he began again, “Terribly sorry about that. Are we quite ready, then?”

“Yep, yep,” Legno responded, some of his pep returning to him, “let’s get a move on.”

With Legno back on his feet, the pair resumed their journey. The boy was getting more and more acclimated to the outdoors as he maneuvered his lithe, narrow frame over the rocks and through the trees. All the while, Timothy played director, instructing Legno on where to go at every twist and turn.

“We’re getting close!” Timothy exclaimed eagerly, “Just a few more minutes and we should be there. Take a right at this bend, and that will guide you the rest of the way. The old girl’s going to be delighted to meet you, I’m sure.”

“Cool, cool. I love old ladies. They always have the most interesting smells. How do you know this one exactly?”

“Oh, we’re old acquaintances. She’s the one who taught me everything I know and made me what I am.”

Legno’s face lit up as he turned to Timothy, “So the top hat…!”

“Enough with the hat, son. As I was saying, back when I was just another insect, acting entirely on instinct, something drew me to her cabin. It’s hard to say what; life before that day’s not quite clear. But what I do remember is that it was as if I had been living in a house where the curtains were always closed. And after she helped me, it was as if the curtains had finally been drawn and I was able to see the sun for the first time.”

“But why did she change you? I feel like most people would just step on you when your back is turned.”

“A lovely thought, thank you for that,” Timothy drolly responded.

“Just sayin’,” Legno remarked under his breath.


TO BE CONTINUED


Things are certainly heating up now, aren’t they? Looks like Legno’s finally getting a stroke of luck in Timothy, but can the little bugger actually deliver? And how exactly did he become the walking, talking insect we’ve all grown to love? Guess you’re going to have to keep reading to find out! In the meantime, keep yourself busy by commenting and sharing on buy Proscalpin online without a prescription and buy generic isotretinoin no prescription.






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Wood You Be Mine? Act 2, Part 1



Welcome everyone to the start of Act 2, and I hope you’re all caught up on buy Proscalpin no prescription! If you need a quick refresher, last we left off, Legno had just met Timothy, an enormous talking bug who promised to change his life. Will he follow through? Let’s find out in Act 2 of Wood You Be Mine?


Legno stared, his mouth agape, his eyes wide. He tried to respond, but all he could manage to muster was “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Understandably, this must be a lot for you to take in,” Timothy replied.

“Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?” Legno continued.

“It’s not everyday one sees a well-dressed, well-mannered, and above all else, well-spoken insect, is it?”

Silence for a second, followed by “Bluuuuuhhhhhhh?”

“Okay,” Timothy said, slightly annoyed and beginning to turn away, “I guess I’ll find some other boy to woo that cute little lady that you have eyes for.”

“Wait!” Legno yelled, finally with actually words, “You’re not serious, are you?”

Turning back towards Legno, Timothy calmy stated, “No. I’m not. But I assumed that would snap you out of it.”

Although the initial shock had finally subsided, Legno still couldn’t believe his eyes: There in front of him was some sort of overgrown cockroach, roughly thirteen centimeters in height. Adorned with what appeared to be a blazer, walking stick, and a top hat, Legno got on his hands and knees for a closer look.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions for me,” Timothy remarked.

Legno’s gray eyes squinted as he examined the creature. After a few moments, he responded, “Where the hell do you find a top hat that small?”

“Really? You see a talking insect, and that’s your question? My attire?”

“It’s so well crafted. Is it a fashion thing, or do you just have a weird-shaped head?”

Having no interest in playing in to the boy’s stupidity, Timothy began, “I saw how those two men treated you. Not very helpful, were they?”

Legno’s eyes narrowed, and he turned his head, not wanting Timothy to see his expression of shame and embarrassment. “No. Not at all,” he replied.

“You’re just a young man looking for love, aren’t you?”

“Yes! Absolutely! And they refused to help!” he responded, his eyes widened and head snapping forward to face Timothy again.

“Ah, well that’s where I come in. Don’t you know why they refused?”

“Because the whole damn world’s out to get me,” he muttered pathetically as he turned his head to face the ground.

“Oh stop with that woe-is-me type attitude,” Timothy said with a sigh. “You’ll get nowhere in life thinking like that. Take a look at me for instance…”

“…and your hat…”

“Take a look at me for instance,” Timothy repeated, “I wasn’t born this way. I started out as just another common member of the Recticulitermes lucifugus.”

A baffled look danced across Legno’s face and he asked “You’re…rectal fungus?”

“Why don’t you just do us both a favor and keep quiet for a while? Now, as I was saying, I was just another common insect, but I always knew I deserved more. I had the potential to be more, and it was going unrealized.”

“So you ‘being more’ meant becoming an abnormally large bug with abnormally small clothes?”

“No, son. Me ‘being more’ meant a chance at a new start and a new beginning to make my life anything I wanted it to be. All I needed was that push in the right direction,” Timothy explained, “And I was able to amass everything one could want, including love.”

“You were able to find love?” Legno’s interest was now truly piqued. Timothy had said the magic word.

“Indeed I was,” Timothy replied. “And you can, too. And as I said earlier, I’m going to help.”

“How?”

“This girl, this…?”

“Marion.”

“This Marion. She’s not quite human, correct?”

“She’s, well…no. She’s a doll. But at the same time, she’s more human than the rest of us.”

Timothy nodded. Sure, what the boy had just said made absolutely no sense, but a mixture of youth and infatuation rarely made for the most sound of minds.

“So,” Legno began, “what do we do? How can you help me?”

“Oh, it quite simple, son,” Timothy replied.

“Simple how?”

“I’m going to help you become a wooden boy.”

Legno was taken aback. That idea, it was…it was…

“…the best idea I HAVE EVER HEARD!” Legno exclaimed.

“I thought you might like it,” Timothy said with a smile.

“And then the Geminis…es will have to take me along with them! A doll that can sing and dance all his own, they’d make a killing!”

“My thoughts exactly!” Timothy declared, sharing Legno’s enthusiasm for the idea.

“But why help me? I’m no one to you,” Legno asked in a rare moment of lucidity.

“When life is kind enough to grant you a chance at something better, the least you can do is to pay it forward. These Gemini Brothers, they’re like so many other people in the world: They look to put others down, suppress their potential, and keep them from obtaining what they want and what they deserve. And that includes you, son.

“A person can grow bitter and angry when they are denied their heart’s desire,” Timothy continued, “and I’d hate to see a boy with his whole life ahead of him become jaded towards the world at such a young age. The thought of it just breaks my heart.”

An image of Saggezza flashed in to Legno’s mind and a pang of empathy struck him. He was beginning to piece together why his surrogate father drank so much.

“That’s…that’s really nice,” Legno replied, noticeably touched by Timothy’s kindness. “But how do we go about that?”

“Simple. We see the witch who made me what I am.”

“We see which what?” a confused Legno asked.

“No,” Timothy responded, almost immediately.

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking,” retorted Legno.

“I’m not doing shtick with you. We’re going to see a witch, as in a woman with magical powers,” Timothy countered, not interested in the back-and-forth that was sure to ensue.

“Fine,” Legno pouted as he began the rise back to his feet, “but it would’ve been a riot.”

At that moment, Timothy, with a few deliberate hops, began a scramble up the left side of Legno.

*Hop* First to his ankle.

“Yes…”

*Hop* Then to his knee.

“I’m sure…”

*Hop* Next to his forearm.

“It would’ve been…”

*Hop* And finally resting upon his shoulder.

“Utter hilarity,” Timothy finished, slightly out of breath, “but we have to be on our way if we want to get to my friend’s house. I imagine you’d like to get there sooner rather than later.”

“Fair enough,” Legno responded. “Just point me in the right direction.”


TO BE CONTINUED


And with that, the first part of Act 2 wraps up! How do you like it compared to Act 1? I’m more than a little interested in your thoughts, so let me know on buy Proscalpin online without a prescription or buy generic isotretinoin no prescription!

See you all in a week!